Love Byte #2 - Love is the in between ..

The in between planning a child and having one .. 

When you first decide you want to have a baby , you're so thrilled that even before you've tried to conceive you've already had the baby.. in your mind you've envisioned the whole deal !!

Your perception is further skewed by the instant pregnant syndrome that plagues movies and media in general and while some of you are lucky enough to get pregnant when you choose to , the luckier ones like me take a while -some a few months , some a year and others maybe more.. which is why I wanted to particularly write about this because I now realize I wasn't the only one who went through those traumatizing emotions. It devours you so much so that the world seems to be conspiring against you .. I could spot one or all pregnant women in a crowd ..lil babies and kids gave me heart ache..The idea of meeting / talking to expectant and new moms was nauseating .I felt rage and jealousy ..I felt people were having more babies just to spite me and every time I tested negative the sense of loss was excruciatingly painful ..I chastised myself like there was something wrong with me. One of the most offered advice ( doesn't everyone have one about everything , asked for or not ..Gawdddd !! ) was "It'll happen the minute you stop fretting about it." Oh yeah ! like that's possible :O I wanted to kick everyone who said that to me because frankly , I was all consumed by this need to have my baby ,every waking moment ..no matter what I did , esp the two weeks before I tested and if I got delayed did my hopes bounce up and down like a roller coaster ride .

I remember a conversation with my grandma who said to me , " You,the next generation try so hard to not get pregnant and when you finally decide you want to , you expect a miracle ! That's now how it works ! " I now comprehend what she meant but at that particular time there's nothing anyone can say or do that can make you feel better ..The heart wants what it wants, when it wants .I recall finding a lil solace in lying to myself , telling myself that when the time was right , I would be pregnant but in all candor its hard , its exhausting and its stressful and each failed attempt is more discouraging than the last. One of the few times I've wished in my life , to be a man just so I could be totally nonchalant - it would make the whole ordeal so much more easier. I never even vaguely remember the husband getting worked up about it and yet catastrophic is how it would feel to me , the end of the world , the end of me !

It took us a lil more than a year to get pregnant , boy ! the lil rascal made us wait alright :P and it was the most agonizing wait ever !! atleast that's what I thought and then fast forward I was in labor and believe me agonizing has a whole new meaning then ! 

What I really wish to say is that if you've gone through , are going through or have been through this , you know you're not alone and as outrageous as it may sound now , don't forget to laugh coz soon , yes sooooon this will be all over and they'll be a bonny baby in the house making you laugh so hard you''ll cry ..ha !!